Bringing 2019 to a Close

As the 2019 year ends, I cannot help but reflect back on this amazing year. I had what I call “a year of personal growth.” I experienced a lot of awakening moments, which lead me to reflect more on my life as a whole. This led to more waking moments.

I recently came across a video of someone reading a letter aloud that she wrote to her younger self. It was a heartwarming letter, and I was moved by how she had gone through so many adversities, mostly through her own regretful choices. She took the opportunity to write this letter to forgive herself for her past mistakes, recognizing that she was young and influenced by her environment and upbringing. She is obviously older now and wiser and is doing her own self-healing. I could tell writing this letter helped her make sense of everything she was thinking and feeling. It was an exercise that allowed her to reflect on her life and find closure where needed.

Anyways, I decided to write my own letter, which I share below. It was helpful and brought up many memories I had pushed back, way way back. I have also decided to write more letters to myself at different periods as a way of making sense of who I am today. It’s a great exercise, especially as you bring another year to a close.

Dear Brave Starry-Eyed Young Man,

Here you are, 19 years old, and living on your own for the first time. You are a college sophomore at the University of Florida and just spent the last two years completing your Associate’s Degree in your home city, Miami. In a matter of days, you packed your essentials, loaded a van with your family in tow, drove 5 hours to Gainesville, located a place to live, and said good-bye to your old life. You will never forget the image of your mother fighting back her tears as the van drove off, leaving you behind.

I know how confused you are at this moment. Although you are excited about where this new adventure will take you, you have overwhelming sadness for “abandoning” your family. You also have a numbing fear for giving up the security your old life provided. You do not realize it at this time, but you will never return to Miami, despite your mother’s hope that you will eventually come home to be with her. She missed you deeply but kept it to herself so that you would not feel guilty. And you will feel guilty for this, especially when she is gone. But, you will have to live with this feeling as a sacrifice for what you had to do.

Growing up in Miami during the 70s and 80s was not easy. The sudden political and social demographic changes happening in Miami resulted in significant challenges and growing pains including racial tension, riots, gang violence, and crime. The threat of physical violence was always present, and you were always on alert. You took alleys walking home from school to avoid being beaten up by classmates who saw you as less than, and as a deviant. Your home life did little to relieve this stress. You experienced and witnessed ongoing physical and emotional abuse, You rarely left your room and often relied on the excitement of fantasy and adventure stories to escape painful realities. These experiences will forever shape you, especially how you relate to yourself and the world. 

Yes, life was not easy, especially for an openly gay Puertorican kid from an underclass working family. However, despite these experiences leaving a permanent mark, it did give you the determination to make a better life for yourself.

I call you a brave starry-eyed young man because you have an enormous amount of courage to leave your family to be on your own. You are not prepared for this new life, which is reflected in the years that are about to follow. In your fear and loneliness, you will attach to the first person who shows any interest and kindness. He will introduce you to others who show the same attention, and soon you will lose your way. They will fill a void in you and become a surrogate, albeit dysfunctional family. They will not have your best interest in mind, but you will be eager to belong, so you will put aside your dreams, change your values, and deny your true self to fit in. It will be years before you see this, but you will eventually free yourself and find your path again.

But do not fret, this minor derailment will serve as a reminder of what is important to you and will provide you with newfound determination. This determination will get you through college (Bachelors), your first job working at Nationwide Insurance, college again (Masters) and again (Doctorate), and your first job as a clinician and as an academic. You start a successful private practice while managing not one, not two, not three, but four academic programs at a university. Whew! You publish scholarly articles, teach at a prestigious university, and even present at an international conference. But your most significant accomplishment will be meeting and marrying your best friend. Together you will build a beautiful life for yourselves, full of love, fun, friends, and friends. You will have many adventures together, and your greatest will be raising a beautiful, intelligent, and joyful daughter who will fill you with inspire you and fill you with pride. 

I want to take this moment to tell you how proud I am of you. You are a hard worker and know how to hustle (You should especially be proud of this skill). I also want to take this moment to give you some important advice. Throughout your early life, you will keep your eyes fixed on a goal. This will serve you well; however, you will not take the time to enjoy yourself and you will not take the time to learn more about who you really are. You miss opportunities to reflect on your life and to understand better how your childhood experiences shaped you. This is important because you will reach a point in your life when these experiences will finally surface and send you down a path of self-doubt and disquiet. Your soul will feel increasingly uneasy, which will lead to an overreliance on distractions. You will disassociate, as you did as a child, and spend each day just going through the motions. Do not worry, though; you will eventually begin the process of emotional healing and enjoy life more. After all, that is what you will train to do. However, it will take you a few years to realize this, but you will eventually start being more present, regain your confidence, and reclaim your sense of self. So, this is my advice to you; slow down, reflect, and be present. Do not be so eager to reach the end and enjoy your journey more. You will do great in life, so relax.

Love, and I mean it,

Your Future Self.