Sex and Autism

Every once in a while, I have an impulse to watch a documentary film. I find that documentaries satisfy my occasional need for passive entertainment while providing the benefit of learning; it’s a win-win situation. Anyways, I came across a particularly compelling documentary called Dina on Hulu, and after reading the description, I settled on it. This 2017 award-winning documentary, by Santini and Sickles, profiles Dina Buno, an outspoken woman of Jewish descent who lives with a variety of mental health issues including autism, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and post-traumatic stress disorder. The film follows Dina and her fiancé, Scott Levin, who is also on the autism spectrum, as they prepare for their wedding and the challenges of merging their lives.

This film was remarkable for several reasons. For one, the filmmakers had a particularly appealing approach. There didn’t seem to be a strong social or political message as often seen in other documentary films; instead, it provided an honest and straightforward look at Dina and Scott’s intimate lives, leaving the viewer to take away her or his meaning. Because of my interest in inter and intrapersonal relationship health, I couldn’t help but notice the mature and authentic manner in which they interacted with each other, especially when expressing their feelings and sexual needs. As I sat watching the inherently ordinary life of this couple, I found myself making mental notes for my professional use. They are a great model for a healthy relationship. I was also aware of a presenting issue in the film that does not receive nearly enough attention in society: Sexual identity and desire of individuals with autism. This issue is especially relevant given society’s “eternal child” bias – aversion to seeing individuals with autism as adults with sexuality who are capable of self-determination.

Model Behavior

Like all relationships, Dina and Scott’s relationship is complex and multi-layered; however, their respective conditions add additional complications. The film begins with Steve, who has been living with his parents, moving into Dina’s small Philadelphia apartment above a corner store. Dina has more relationship experiences: she was previously married, outlived her husband, and then entered into an abusive relationship with another man. This abusive relationship left her both physically and emotionally scarred. Despite her traumas, Dina longs for physical intimacy. Scott, on the other hand, is inexperienced and avoidant. He needed reminding and encouragement to show more affection, which he earnestly accepts. At one point in the film, during a trip to the beach, Dina has what I consider the best example of having the “sex talk” with a partner. Dina starts the conversation by asking Scott how he enjoyed their day together. Scott expressed having enjoyed the time, and Dina followed with how glad she was to have shared this experience with him. Dina then proceeded to hand him a copy of The Joy of Sex, which naturally leads to this important talk. How she presented the book was especially thoughtful. She acknowledged the differences in their sexual experiences and wants by stating, “I’ve been around” and as she thumbs through the pages and says, “I think I am more interested in this than you, right”? During this encounter, Scott demonstrates openness and curiosity without a hint of defensiveness. He looks at the book as she flips through the pages and replies with, “I can learn”. Dina moved the conversation by introducing an unconventional sexual activity of interest to her and showing him an image of a biological byproduct usually produced during sex. Scott knows of this as he confidently shares his experience with masturbation. The conversation continues.

There were many tender moments throughout the film; Scott bringing home take-out food for Dina, who is scurrying around her apartment, calling her “dear” as he patiently helps her work through their finances, and sharing random kisses as an expression of their love. It is clear that they love and care for each other, and at times Scott is dutifully by her side as she works through her anxieties, especially when she feels of insecurities due to his indifferent nature. In a final scene, Dina and Scott sit on a park bench, and Dina shares her anxiety about their relationship, rehashing her want for more physical intimacy. She feels terrible about pointing out his detachment, worrying that she’s too critical of him. Scott is quick to accept responsibility for his part in their relationship and displays a remarkable amount of kindness, stressing how inspired he is by her strength for living through some extraordinarily tough times. These words seem to resonate with her, and she asks him to explain what he means. With great clarity and conviction, Scott refers to her surviving a brutal attack from her previous partner. He responds, saying, “you’re still here, inspiring people,” and with that, he leans over to kiss her as to say that he is present and ready to respond to all of her needs.

Disrupting the Eternal Child Narrative

Another aspect of the film that was interesting was the representation of individuals with autism as sexual beings. What I appreciated about the film was the honest and straightforward portrayal of two individuals in love, trying to work through their unique, intimate challenges. It wasn’t a social commentary on whether people who are differently-abled should have the right to have sex or procreate. This unassuming approach is critical since it challenges stereotypes of autism in a relatable way.

Unfortunately, the infantilizing of individuals with autism are all too familiar. For example, an empirically based study on the representation of autism by various outlets revealed that out of 152 photographs used on regional and state chapters of Autism Society of America websites, 95% were of children. The representation of autism in popular media outlets was also disappointing. Out of 105 fictional books, 83 movies and television shows with autistic characters, 90%, and 68% were of children, respectively.

Unfortunately, society’s view of disability, regardless of the nature of the disability, tends to be one of incapability and pity. Individuals are often seen as too innocent and in need of care. To accept that people with disabilities have sexual needs – considering society’s long history of puritanical views about sex – disrupts the eternal child narrative that people are accustomed to having; however, this disruption is necessary. There are serious consequences to infantilizing autism. For one, it is demeaning and insulting. Whether it is intentional or not, people with autism are frustrated with this experience and feel powerless to change it. This dehumanizing experience further affects their development. Second, and to the point of this movie, it prevents healthy discussions about sex and sexuality from happening, which increases the risk of sexual abuse, getting a sexually transmitted infection, and having an unwanted pregnancy. It also interferes with the person’s ability to obtain and maintain healthy romantic relationships, which is a fundamental part of all human existence.

I applaud Santini and Sickles for their respectful approach to making this film and for choosing a truly inspiring couple to profile. I especially applaud Dina and Scott for giving us access to their personal lives and for their part in the ongoing process of bridging the gap that separates our worlds. I think everyone should view this film and learn from it. I plan to require this film for my students.